Going back to the mommyhood issues (and smoking)

As you see, I either don't post in months or do it twice in the same day. Yesterday was a crazy day, from start to finish. With two weeks left before we hop on a plane to Spain, i thought I could spend the day working on a project that was due on Christmas and that I have to finish by this weekend. I poured my tea, set up my laptop, had my newborn sleeping, and had been working for a good hour when the telephone rang. It was my four year old's school. He wasn't hurt. He was hurting others and I needed to go pick him up. I hadn't smoked since I got pregnant almost one year ago, but all I was able to think about at that time was a cigarette. And a glass of scotch. I don't even like whiskey, but it sounds dramatic for 12:30 pm.

I didn't do any, instead I put my baby in his Baby Bjorn (which I hate, but that belongs in another post), drove to the school crying hysterically, picked him up without a word (I probably should have talked to someone, but keeping my tears behind my sunglasses is all I could do by then) and I drove back home, letting the tears go down again. Actually they got worse when I was told that he had to stay home the next day too. I'm sure that at six weeks postpartum hormones are responsible for my reaction, but you have to admit that having your son expelled from school at the tender age of four is quite shocking. Where does he go from here? Straight to juvenile, and then jail? Will this stay on his academic record? What the heck was he thinking? What the heck were the teacher, principal, etc thinking to let the situation escalate to this point? Is he ok? What am I doing wrong?

At that time I was just mad as hell at the kiddo. I couldn't even talk to him for the first hour. He is been in his room since. But at least I extracted some information from him. His frustration was due to the rejection he felt from his peers (I know that classmates not wanting to see your really cool Bakugan may seem petty, but for a child this age it can be self-steem crushing). Knowing that, sending him home doesn't seem like the best solution, because it only makes him feel more rejected. God knows what will happen on Monday when he goes back. If were him I would be rather angry at all those people who kept punishing him without asking what was upsetting him. Thankfully he is not me, but a much better version, and probably he will just be fine. Until then, he is grounded. In his room during the hours when he should have been at school, no TV, no candy, no playing with him.

And of course we will have a little talk with the school about their handling of the situation. I don't want to turn into one of this moms who try to justify whatever bad behaviour their kids have. I'm not. My son's hitting and kicking was not acceptable under any circumstances. But I think they handled the situation poorly, to say the least. Sending him home for the rest of the day made sense. The second day at home sounds more like a tantrum thrown by a principal who is not used to disobedience. Leaving a preschooler alone in the corridor feet away from a door that leads directly into a very busy street doesn't seem safe. Doing it four times when it obviously is making him more frustrated and nervous and aggressive without trying to figure out what's the root of the problem doesn't seem very pedagogical. I guess we have some thinking to do.

And I ended up smoking that cigarette and two more, but it was much later, when I went out with my girlfriends. And just after spending a solid hour doing Internet research and making sure how long I had to wait before nursing in order for the nicotine to leave my organism. Hopefully, I won't need to smoke again anytime soon. Unless I'm sent to the Principal's office.